Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Rebirth! (back from hiatus)

I never know where to start, so I typically just jump in with both feet.

   24 Days ago I began a journey like which I have never fully experienced before.

Let me take you back a little ways....
     Over the years I have been making many, many bad choices. I did not care enough about myself nor love myself enough to make good character decisions. Everything looked alright on the outside, at least I'd like to think that I was pretty good at putting on my happy face, my game face. But inside I was dying. I was suffocating my spirit, unintentionally, but that's the truth. It was way later that I realized just how far I had fallen.These things don't just happen over night you know. But it sure seems that way. One day you wake up and you realize the person you have become. It's so true that it is a slippery slope. You let your guard down in one area and before you know it your whole house is over run with thorns and weeds.

I couldn't possibly fall any further down the rabbit hole. I had hit rock bottom. All of my relationships were suffering because I was in a downward tail spin. The saying is true "If momma ain't happen, nobody's happy". I had gotten to a point where I wasn't afraid to take those closest to me down with me. And that scared the hell out of me. I couldn't believe what I was willing to do...

This is where it gets exciting....

My new Day One started in the am on a Monday morning. I was sitting in a counselors office at my church speaking with a pastor who happened to be on call. I flat out told him everything that had happened to bring me into that office on that day. I was done with running, because I had no where else to run. I had hit a forked road and needed to decide then and there which road I was going to take. This should have been an easy decision. But considering the dark, snarled path I had been walking on, I didn't know which direction was up. I don't remember the whole conversation. My mind was so tormented at the time, torn. There is one thing in that conversation that stands out above all the rest. He told me that I HAVE to choose to walk in the other direction. All I could ask at the time was "why?" Why do I have to do that? And his answer was "just because". I know that if I would have been relying on only him to help me I wouldn't have caught on to it. In that moment I wanted God to come rushing in to save me. This whole time I wanted God to rescue me. Only I wasn't ready to accept that rescue.
I had been raised in church. I knew the principles of the Bible. I had caught a small glimpse of who God was in my teenage rebellious years. I accepted Jesus Christ as my savior many, many years ago. That I am certain of. But I was never ready to accept His perfect plan for my life.  I could not let go of the things I wanted for myself. Even though the things he had planned for me are so much better than I could ever dream. My heart was hard as stone. I did not trust anyone enough to let them in. Not even my Abba Father, my daddy God. I can look back now and see just how much suffering I could have avoided by trusting him with my pain years ago, but then again, I would not be the person I am today. God uses those who are weak and small.

It was that Monday, in that hour, in that moment that I gave up. I did not give up on living. But I gave up on trying to live. I had been swimming against the current of a mighty God for too long. In that second I decided I could not do it on my own anymore. Did you catch that? Let me say it again.. .  I could not live in a dying world without trusting the living God.

         And this is where my story begins. I have dived head first into my Holy Father's hands, and into his word. It is very hard not to hit the delete button right now and keep this all to myself and the few who already know. But one thing I am absolutely sure of is that I am a vessel. How pointless would it be for God to fill me up only to have me put on a lid and keep all of Him for myself?

So here is the plan. Everyday I will write and share my devotion for the day. I pray that God uses it to touch your heart as much as he has touched mine.

        I am so excited for you to take this journey with me!


  1. I am so thankful to hear what God is doing in your life. I can't wait to see what he is going to continue to do.
    Stacy McCabe

  2. I am amazed at what my God has done in my daughter's life. He is amazing and so are you! MOM<><

  3. Ya know, I had no idea that you wrote this and put it out there! Did I ever tell you that I was proud of you? I love you? (Yeah like ten minutes ago :) But I am soo glad that we have each other to go through this amazing journey with our heavenly father! As christians I think we are to break daily only to realize that we can't do it on our own and that it has to be with GOD to lead us. Thank you for encouraging me with my growing process and I hope in turn that I keep your strong and not become a stumbling block. I love you dearly!